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I recently read an article in the New York Times called ‘The Stories that Bind Us’. It emphasises the importance of a strong family narrative i.e. story as being indicative of a resilient family unit. We all know that society is made up of lots of different types of family units. Some people live in extended families or with family members close by. Others may live hundreds or even thousands of miles away from their immediate family and are much more isolated. They may have close connections with the local faith group or community that they belong to. Or they may be part of a small village and town where neighbours are their closest friends. Or they may be isolated with a small selection of people whom they can turn to.

Whatever environment we live in as human beings we have a strong desire for connections and bonds with others. But perhaps the bonds we most privilege as a society and a human being are those with our family and those we care about. The article I read reminded me how important it is to talk to each other. For each of us to have a sense of where we come from, what came before us and how we come to live the lives that we do. At times of crisis our sense of ourselves and our identity is such a crucial part of the resources we must draw from to make it through those tough times. Our own sense derived from family stories of survival, of determination, of hope and of overcoming past hardships. Each of our family stories are unique, not always filled with joy and wonderful memories but also past traumas and hurts and difficulties endured. But they make us who we are and they tell us about how our families and their families before them came to live where they do, build what they have and be who we are.

So go and talk, talk to your parents, your grandparents, your children and theirs and all cousins and aunts and uncles and close friends. Share with them your memories and stories and listen to theirs. Help them to figure out who they are and what they are capable of. Let those stories bind you together and help you to know you.

The more we tell the stories of our families – the ups and downs, the things we have overcome, the more we offer a story that will help our children thrive and survive throughout their lives.

Your child wants you to watch what he/she does. He/she wants you to feed her when he/she can feed herself. He/she constantly demands that you help with things he/she can do or says ‘no’ to things he/she actually wants – seemingly to spite you. These and other behaviours are those parents experience which might make them wonder, what is wrong with my child? Why are they being so demanding of my attention? They have my attention all the time.

Well sometimes it can be useful to see these ‘attention-seeking behaviours’ as a communication. The child who runs off when all they really want is for someone to chase them. What your child may be trying to do is to keep you close. This may be what they need to help them feel safe or to ensure that they are ok and with someone that can sensitively respond so they can feel safe to explore the world.

What’s the difference between attention seeking and proximity-seeking?

As babies we need to seek closeness to an adult who can protect us and keep us safe in the world and this need is considered a ‘biological drive’ i.e. it helps us to survive. Therefore we need to attract the attention of others in order to keep them close. Sometimes this attention is a negative behaviour such as crying or hiding which requires others to find us, soothe us and reassure us that they are there to support us.

At times when we feel overwhelmed we may need a significant person in our life to be ‘tuned in’ to us and to understand what we are asking for. However, sometimes we need to get the attention of the other to let them know that this is what we need. Once we have what we need we can relax and the ‘attention-seeking’ is not as frequently required. As we learn that others can be relied upon to give us what we need we feel more confident to separate from them and explore the world.

What can I do to reassure my child that they are safe?

• Show them that you are available and ready to respond when they need you.
• Respond sensitively and help them to understand their feelings by seeing things from their perspective and naming their feelings.
• Value your child and recognise them for who they are.
• Help them to feel confident and to make choices within safe boundaries.
• Help them to feel like they belong and that they can trust others.

Many people find the idea of going to talk to a complete stranger extremely frightening. They do not know what is expected of them or what to expect. However there are often beliefs about therapy that people have which might stop them from trying it out. A few of these myths are explored here.

My therapist is an expert and can tell me what I should do

Your therapist will see you as the expert in your life and that you have the answers within yourself. You may just need some help to find them. Your therapist is there to help you figure out what you want to do not assume to know or tell you what they think you should do

My therapist will constantly assess me and decide if what I am doing is right or wrong

Your therapist is not there to pass judgement but to try to understand you and help you to decide what’s right for you.
 

Your therapist will always blame your childhood and want to talk about that

It is true that many therapists believe that your early experiences have an impact in shaping the person you have become. However not all therapists focus on this-the key is to develop ideas and understanding about yourself and who you are now.

Talking about things with a therapist won’t change anything-what’s the point?

It’s true that talking won’t change the outside circumstances or other people but it may help you to develop strategies for managing these situations better.

If I start with one therapist I’m stuck with them

It is important to see a therapist who you feel comfortable with. The relationship you have with your therapist is the most important part of therapy. When you are funding therapy yourself you are the client and can decide who you see. Feel free to see more than one person, shop around, until you find the right therapist for you.

 
What actually is therapy? 

• Therapy is a space to talk and it is a place to be yourself
• It is not about getting advice but based on the idea you have the answers within yourself and may just need the space and supportive and safe place to find them
• Therapy helps people become unstuck, make sense of things and come to accept the things that they can’t change and change the things they can.
• It is not necessarily about being analysed and definitely not about being judged
• It helps some people to story their life and experiences in new and helpful ways
• It helps people to understand themselves and develop greater empathy for themselves and others
• Therapy offers the safety of a non-judgemental, caring and empathic professional relationship with someone whose only agenda is to help them achieve their desired goals

We all have our beliefs about the world and ways of making sense of why things happen the way they do. These ideas might have been taught to us by our parents, friends, our community, or by messages from society like media and stories. They help us to have a sense of order in the world and to organise and predict how things will be. 

But what happens when these beliefs are shaken by our experiences? What about when something happens for no apparent reason whatsoever? How do we make sense of the world when nothing seems to make sense anymore?

The times when we are left feeling like this might be when we experience loss or tragedy, when we find ourselves in a situation not of our own making or when bad/sad/confusing things happen. Then we start to pull out of our pockets the idea that ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘good things should happen to good people’. 

Perhaps, sometimes things happen at random and are outside of our control. When they do the world doesn’t make sense and we feel at a loss. But perhaps that is exactly what we should expect to feel. We need to experience the loss and recognise our own limitations. We have to find our way whilst feeling more lost than we have ever felt. But once we realise that things are out of control we can recognise those things we can do something about. We can notice what helps us to survive and to keep going. We can recognise our own strength and how we might be able to learn from and grow through a tough experience. Maybe if there is a reason that is it? I have often had clients share that they seem to learn and grow the most at the times when they most struggle. After all when everything is going fine and we feel in control we don’t question things and we don’t wonder or worry too much about the reason for things either.