14 Nov 2013

BY: Sara Trayman

Therapy Articles

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Unhelpful Thinking

Sometimes it can be really useful to identify ways you think which leave you feeling more stuck. You may find that these unhelpful habits particularly appear when you are stressed or upset or that they can actually make you feel upset or stressed. We ALL have times when we think in unhelpful ways but being able to identify these moments helps you to have some distance from your thoughts-just because we think about things in certain way does not mean this is the way things are and always will be.

In cognitive behavioural therapy these ideas are often explored as they help to highlight how certain thoughts we have led to us feeling a certain way which in turn makes us behave in a certain way. It is this link between thoughts-feelings-behaviours that is at the core of cognitive behavioural therapy.

Let’s look at some of the more common unhelpful thinking patterns and some of the alternative ways of thinking:

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING – This is when we see things as either/or, good/bad, right/wrong e.g. I can’t get anything right, Either this will be successful or a complete failure. We might want to ask ourselves if it is truly one or the other? Aren’t there always shades of grey, is there a balance between these two possibilities?

MIND READING – This is when we assume we know what other people are thinking about us e.g. They think I’m such an idiot for blushing and stammering through that sentence. We might wonder how we know what others think, do they know what we are thinking? Is it possible that they are my worries about myself and not what they are thinking? What are the other ways they might be thinking?

CATASTROPHISING – This is when we assume that things have gone completely wrong or will do. We imagine the worst possible scenario and believe that this is what will happen e.g. Now I’m going to get fired as this is the worst mistake I could possibly make, They are going to dump me and I will be alone forever. Sometimes it can be important to think about how likely this is to really happen or what is more realistic? Also, to notice that I’m catastrophising and label it as that rather than a realistic prediction about the future.

SHOULDS, MUSTS AND OUGHTS – We often internalise the expectations the world puts on us as unrealistic expectations e.g. I should always be the best at what I do, I must get everything right, I ought to know what to do in this situation. Recognising the pressure we put on ourselves and challenging the obligation we place on ourselves is important here- where does this pressure come from? Do we think it is fair to measure ourselves against these ideals? How could we be fairer on ourselves?

EMOTIONAL REASONING – This is when we believe that our (often anxious) feelings about something mean that it becomes true e.g. It feels like something bad is going to happen therefore it will, I feel so anxious there must be something wrong with me. Often it is important to remember that feeling something to be true doesn’t mean that it is going to be/come true. My feelings come from how I think about things and not always an external reality.

These are some of the more common thinking errors that I have come across in working with my clients. Being able to recognise them for yourself can be the first step towards being able to distance yourself from them and free yourself up to more helpful ways of thinking.

14 Oct 2013

BY: Sara Trayman

Therapy Articles

Comments: No Comments

Living with Cancer-Yours or Someone you love

Cancer. Such a frightening word to say out loud and yet so many of us are having to face it at some time in our lives. Sometimes it’s a far away thing, a famous person, a friend’s family member, an item on the news. Yet it feels so different once it touches us personally. Whether you are the person who has cancer or it is someone who you love or care about dealing with cancer can be terrifying, confusing and overwhelming. This article seeks to think about some of those difficult feelings whether you are the person with cancer or someone you care about and to consider how therapy might be helpful for you.

 

Living with cancer is such an isolating place to be. It can feel that the whole world just seems to be getting on with things and there you are, facing every day with what seems an uphill struggle and a whole sea of uncertainty. This uncertainty often seems to take the form of torturous questions. ‘Why me?’ ‘Why our family?’ ‘What if I die?’ ‘What if they die?’ and ‘What if I’m not strong enough?’ go round and round in our heads. Many of these thoughts stay hidden, frightening to ask out loud or just too hard to say.

 

It may also be hard to ask questions, to know what will happen or to hear that we do not know will happen. Odds, statistics and horrible facts from the internet leave us flooded with fear and feeling you are not sure if you want to know.

 

How can therapy help me?

 

Therapy is not for everyone, it does not feel helpful for everyone but for some people it can be a place of refuge. A place to speak the unspeakable to someone who doesn’t need you to be strong or doesn’t force you to feel something, someone who accepts you right where you are. The experience of expressing some of the pain, frustration, confusion, irritation, anger or perhaps numbness you feel with someone along side you to support you can help you to manage. Your therapist can offer you a place where you do not have to worry about upsetting someone or scaring them with how you feel.

 

We live in a world where we like to believe that things can be easily explained, that we understand why and how things happen and that we deserve good things to happen to us. Dealing with cancer shatters these illusions and can release some powerful feelings that can be difficult to make sense of. Therapy is a space to think about those feelings, to experience them safely and to help to manage them. We can feel let down by our bodies and it can help to relearn how to trust and experience hope or acceptance.

 

When is the right time for therapy?

 

Again, this is different for everyone and it is important to consider the different stages you might find yourself in and how therapy can help at this stage if you are struggling.

 

AFTER DIAGNOSIS

 

Shock and disbelief may be your initial response to hearing that you or a loved one has cancer. Many thoughts will fly around your head and then you may have difficult decisions to make. How to tell loved ones and in particular your children, partner, parents and even your work colleagues can be difficult to work through. You may feel fearful about the future or need to focus on what is to come. Therapy at this time can offer support to anyone who is struggling to work through the turbulent time that can follow someone having a diagnosis.

 

DURING TREATMENT

 

This can be a difficult time to access therapy as life can become completely consumed with medical appointments and dealing with the day-to-day worries and physical implications of cancer treatments. It can be difficult to fit in the regular activities you do in life and it can feel like you are exhausted by small tasks whether you are the person who has cancer or someone who is supporting them. Having a space to talk to a therapist in this time (if this is something that is feasible) can help you to manage some of the psychological implications and to have a space to offload and feel safe and supported.

 

AFTER TREATMENT

 

There can often be a fantasy, especially for people who care about the person with cancer, that when the treatment is over the person is now ‘fine’. Whether the treatment is successful or not, dealing with cancer does not always get easier at the last radiotherapy session. Sometimes people are able to put it to one side and can quickly return to a normal life. They may want to try to forget about what they have just experienced and to get back to living. However, for some people it can be difficult to adjust and to let go of some of the unexpressed anxiety and worry that they have been experiencing often for months. For many people this too eases over time but for some others this can be a point where therapy might help.

 

It can be a space to make sense of what the future looks like, whatever that means to you at the time. Especially when some of your support network may step back and ‘go back to normal’ and you feel anything but. Making sense of these feelings with a therapist can alleviate some of the weight of carrying them around. This may particularly mean that you will feel fearful ‘what if I always worry about every twinge?’ ‘what if it comes back’ ‘how do I talk about how I feel when I’m scared in case it scares someone else?’ and ‘what will happen to me and my family?’. These are all questions that can be thought about and which you can learn to manage differently during therapy at this stage.

I hope that this article has helped, that you might have been able to identify with some of the things that I have described. I also hope that this helps to make sense of or reassure you about the things that you have been worrying about. If you feel that this has helped you identify a need for you to have some therapy to help you don’t be afraid. Try it and see if it helps. If it doesn’t seem helpful for you that’s ok too but it may just help you at a difficult time to feel unstuck and a little less alone.

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