Blog

We all have our beliefs about the world and ways of making sense of why things happen the way they do. These ideas might have been taught to us by our parents, friends, our community, or by messages from society like media and stories. They help us to have a sense of order in the world and to organise and predict how things will be. 

But what happens when these beliefs are shaken by our experiences? What about when something happens for no apparent reason whatsoever? How do we make sense of the world when nothing seems to make sense anymore?

The times when we are left feeling like this might be when we experience loss or tragedy, when we find ourselves in a situation not of our own making or when bad/sad/confusing things happen. Then we start to pull out of our pockets the idea that ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘good things should happen to good people’. 

Perhaps, sometimes things happen at random and are outside of our control. When they do the world doesn’t make sense and we feel at a loss. But perhaps that is exactly what we should expect to feel. We need to experience the loss and recognise our own limitations. We have to find our way whilst feeling more lost than we have ever felt. But once we realise that things are out of control we can recognise those things we can do something about. We can notice what helps us to survive and to keep going. We can recognise our own strength and how we might be able to learn from and grow through a tough experience. Maybe if there is a reason that is it? I have often had clients share that they seem to learn and grow the most at the times when they most struggle. After all when everything is going fine and we feel in control we don’t question things and we don’t wonder or worry too much about the reason for things either.

It’s a tough world out there. Sometimes though, our worst critics are not our friends and our family, it is us. We are often quick to notice what has gone wrong and what we did badly-how often do we take the time to be kind and understanding with ourselves?

Instead of the usual critical comments we might say to ourselves ‘you’re so rubbish, you’re always doing that’, ‘why do you always say the wrong thing’,  ‘you are weak, everyone else would be able to cope with this’ we need to find alternative ways to talk to ourselves which are kinder. Not only will this improve our belief and self-confidence but it is also one way in which to improve our psychological well-being and fight off the negative feelings often associated with low mood and anxiety.

When we first try to be kind to ourselves we are at a loss in how to talk to ourselves differently. In these circumstances we may want to have a menu of different strategies that we can try. When we first use these techniques it is a bit like when we first learn to drive-we have to think about every move we make. After practicing for a long time we slowly find that these skills become more automatic. Here are just a few of the techniques you may find helpful.

What would your best friend/biggest fan say?

It can be difficult to think positively about ourselves when we are used to being self-critical. Thinking from the perspective of someone else who does appreciate us and see the good in us can be a way in which to consider ourselves in a more favourable light. Ask yourself what your best friend or biggest fan would say to encourage you and help you to believe in yourself. Then start to consider what evidence there is that perhaps there is some truth to this and you may even start to believe these ideas.

What is the worst that could happen?

We often worry about how things are going to turn out and can ‘catastrophise’ which means only being able to see the worst possible outcomes. It can help to face these possibilities head on and ask ourselves what the worst thing is that could happen. Also, what it would be like if the worse thing did happen and how we would cope. This can help us realise that even the worst thing (whilst probably unlikely to happen when we really explore it) is something we can actually cope with. This in turn makes things feel more manageable and less frightening.

How can I recognise the small victories?

Sometimes we can feel lost in the aspects of our lives we feel are not going well. In order to keep going and feel motivated to continue it can be important to focus on our small victories. Taking time every day to notice three things we have done well or feel pleased with can help us to notice the improvements we have made and to realise that each step forward is significant and something to be proud of.

Being kinder with help from others

Sometimes it can be tough getting started-not all of these strategies work well for everyone, trial and error is the key. But also asking others for help and encouragement can be vital to identifying the ways in which we are being tough on ourselves-often the people who know us best can see this most clearly. Professional help may be useful at times too and finding a therapist you trust and who can work alongside you to develop these strategies may help you along this journey.

If in doubt, be kind and understanding to yourself-if you are not-who will be?

What are we showing of our real selves online? How are we influenced to show certain parts of ourselves? Are we swayed by our desires for presenting ourselves favourably, currying favour, trying to get our needs and insecurities met through the acknowledgment and approval of others? What is the implication of this for young people who are forming their identities in the crucial teenage years?

Being infiltrated with the so-called inner thoughts of others through mediums such as Facebook, we build up a picture of the world that is distorted by people only presenting certain parts of themselves. It is surely only in real encounters with the other that we learn about ourselves. Or can we learn these things through social media? Many people believe that social media does not allow any real connection of worth with others. For young people, if this is true it could have a worrying impact on their social and emotional development.

As a therapist working with young people I find that their online life cannot be ignored in therapy. It is a fundamental part of their social lives and the identity that they are forming as they approach adulthood. Whilst this world is confusing and overwhelming for some older people, for young people there may be opportunities for growth and exchanging ideas that they would not otherwise have access to.

As an adult using social networking I find there is in fact space to connect to the unconscious collective of humanity. Following a blog by someone on the other side of the ocean in New York who photographs people and shares their human story is very stimulating for someone like me who thrives on human connection and understanding other people’s stories. So even though I’m not meeting these people, their story, written and carried out thousands of miles away touches my life, changes me and shapes my view of the world. All of this just through my smartphone? Maybe technology, like many human creations, is shaped by our complexities and has both a light and dark side.

Anxiety is such a debilitating experience-you can feel overwhelmed and consumed by it and it as though you are always going to feel this way. Anxiety takes on many different forms including panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, avoiding situations, having outbursts and feeling unable to cope with life. Feeling unable to breathe or to think clearly, our instinct is to do whatever we can to make it go away. So how can anxiety ever be of any use?

Anxiety could be seen as being a message that your body is sending you. This is a message we do not understand how to listen to perhaps because it brings with it paralysing feelings so that we struggle to think or process what is happening. Or it may be that we do not know what we are listening out for.

It can be easier to think about this using a physiological example. We often find it easier to relate to examples that we are used to dealing with such as the physical experience of pain. When we hurt our foot we will get messages of pain telling us that we have done some damage. If we simply take pain killers and continue to run on our foot, assuming that the pain has no function we will further damage ourselves. The pain is the message, from our body, that something needs our attention. Whether that be to seek medical attention or simply that we are over-doing it and need to rest, the pain is something which we need to give us awareness.

Anxiety can function in exactly the same way. Just as we would not want to simply medicate away our pain and ignore the message, the answer is not to simply medicate the anxiety away. When we experience anxiety it is important to take a moment to pay attention to ourselves and be with the anxiety rather than move away from it. Like a small child having a temper tantrum, the anxiety if ignored escalates until it receives some attention. It needs our preoccupation and to be heard. Is it that you are too stressed by something in your life? Do you need to make some changes to improve your ability to care for yourself? Are there things that you are worrying about that you haven’t expressed or acted upon? Is it the result of suppressing other difficult and unpalatable feelings?

It may be that talking these things through with a therapist will be of benefit or it may be that once you start listening to these messages it is something to either tackle on your own or with the help of your loved ones. Either way, try to give the anxiety some of your time and attention and maybe it can guide you towards what is not working so well and help you to either change things or accept the things you cannot change.